You know that second, when you are aware of your life, and you capture it all? Taking in a memory seems to be my favorite past time of late. I will wake up in the morning and hear my baby stirring in her crib and it seems hard to throw back the covers, walk to her room with my blurry eyes while feeling the pangs of becoming awake shuffling through my brain... I find her warm and swaddled and making elvis lips at me. She sees me and even though she's hungry... she inevitably smiles. Usually her smiles are followed by cries but silenced when she gets what she wants most, milk.
All of my efforts to remember have me feeling like I'm not taking real time to document on paper (or blog) what is going on in my life. Sure, I can take a zillion photos and I can recall that moment but documenting my words, experiences, and trials seems so ancient to me these days. You never realize how much time you ever wasted until you have an infant and then you realize how little time it takes to do stuff. It used to take me all day to clean my house... now I can clean it in 30 minutes flat. It used to take me ALL DAY to be motivated to do anything!! Now... I know that if I don't bust my butt then nothing happens.. nothing gets done.
Life takes such great turns and having a baby is, by far, the best turn my life has ever taken. Granted I was blessed to meet my best friend who in turn produced this little gravy with me. I just try to wake up every morning and look around, take in the moment, and realize that this is a one shot chance. I won't get to remember these memories again. I won't get to feel as I feel, right now.
My little baby is kicking her legs, on her tummy, screeching, and laughing. She is moving and grooving. It won't be long now and she will be on-the-go and I'll feel sadly reminiscent of her being completely immobile. My little baby is growing up and getting long. I feel like she's come so far yet I know we have so far to go.
Today I am feeling tired and sore. My neck has been bothering me from straining with my newly 13lb 10oz monster of an infant. She turns 3 months old tomorrow. She is not more work than she was before, but a different kind of work. She wants attention and isn't afraid to scream until she gets it. She is definitely the main source of my entertainment.
I wish I could clearly convey the intense and overwhelming feelings that motherhood has bestowed upon me. I wish I was able to put into words how my tears flow when I see her growing, see movies with children, and relate all of those things to my life. I used to wonder why my mother cried so often at almost everything... now I understand. I do the same thing and I'm not ashamed at all. This baby has changed my heart.
Life has become so rich. My life and my family are unreal. I will go to bed tonight (most likely) exhausted. I will tip-toe around the house after she falls asleep. I will have a couple of beers and watch TV with my husband. We will look at each other and tell each other "I love you" and we will drift off to sleep knowing that tomorrow we do it all again. It doesn't matter how monotonous things may feel or how tedious changing diapers feels... it doesn't matter. Everyday love grows and I can't see how my heart will be able to hold all of this love. I am so excited for this life.